Hey Doc! Help me please!
I am suffering from a bad case of Buc fever, and that Dirk Koetter antidote is not working.
I went to the Vince Lombardi clinic for traumatized NFL followers, and I was told the Lovie Smith serum I took to rid myself of the Greg Schiano-Raheem Morris syndrome still dominates my inner soul.
I am scared. Those under the Koetter antidote are on a rampage. They see playoffs and championships and are eliminating anyone who believes otherwise.
I had to buy new locks for my house and hired a bodyguard who checks under my car before I start it up in the morning.
I want them to know I like Dirk. He touched my heart when he talked about wanting to be like his dad and his voice cracked at his introductory press conference.
But it seemed like yesterday when Lovie Smith held his introductory presser, and we all felt the same way. Everyone connected with the NFL called it a great hire. Warren Sapp and Derrick Brooks, those Bucs whose busts now sit in Canton, couldn't sing enough praises.
But here is the scary part. Koetter is the 11th Bucs coach. Only Tony Dungy and Jon Gruden had winning records, and they were fired.
Strange things seem to happen over at One Buc Place, particularly since the Glazer family took over.
My little nephew told me the football gods have put a curse on the Bucs for firing Dungy and only they can remove it. I wonder why the Glazers keep helping them.
I am falling into a dungeon of broken promises. This franchise is built on yesterdays that have forced fans into a distorted sense of reality.
But hope has eternal life we are told, so every firing is met with a new hire who again stirs the masses. I am trying to look ahead, but the visions of what dances in my head must be kept secret.
I look at 2016 and ask what if Doug Martin gets hurt, what if Jameis Winston suffers a sophomore slump, what if Mike Evans continues to lead the league in temper tantrums and dropped balls and what if Vincent Jackson doesn't get healthy?
What if Koetter in a moment of desperation tries to fix his broken secondary by hiring Pacman Jones and if the only other option is that "Hey Jude" guy?
The schedule is brutal and will test the patience of the owners.
As head coach, Koetter won't be able to spend as much time as he did with Winston when he was offensive coordinator.
He hired Mike Smith as his defensive coordinator and now the Bucs are looking like the Atlanta Falcons with a new twist.
Believe me when I say I like Koetter. I liked many of the Bucs, even bad boy Eric Wright.
Now back to that curse.
How else do you explain the MRSA and the Josh Freeman meltdown?
Remember 2013 when Schiano and then GM Mark Dominik signed Darrelle Revis and everyone was talking playoffs? Then the curse kicked in. Freeman, considered a franchise quarterback, ran afoul of Schiano and himself and was released.
Mike Glennon was named quarterback, and Schiano proclaimed him the greatest secret in the NFL. Today, he is still a secret without the great tag.
So Smith takes over in 2014 and in short time loses his offensive coordinator to heart problems. It made the season a wash.
After concentrating on drafting offensive players, there was light at the end of the tunnel. Lovie was 6-6 when rookie Kwon Alexander was suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policies, and the Bucs lost four straight to end the season.
If Alexander was there, is it too much to believe the Bucs might have won two of those games? Would that have saved his job?
Hey they fired Gruden after he lost his last four games in 2008 and finished 9-7 with a Super Bowl ring on his resume. So Smith really had no chance did he?
The Bucs lead the league in paying the most head coaches at one time. At One Buc Place, if you are not paying multiple head coaches simultaneously we have been told you are not trying.
So if Koetter can fix all this all, the more power to him.
I will root for him if only to end the misery that engulfs this franchise, but I refuse to live under false pretenses.
Someday, the Koetter antidote might take hold of my conscious, but until then I will just have to keep checking under my car every morning.
Alan Dell, Herald sports writer, can be reached at 941-745-7056. Follow him on Twitter at @ADellSports.