Mary Ruiz: Home is more than just a place

I tease my husband that I would never trade mother-in-laws with anyone but him.

My mother-in-law, Dorothy, is a little Norwegian lady with a matching set of dimples. She welcomes me always, never interferes and believes she needs an invite before dropping by our house. She helped us raise our son by caring for him while his parents were at work. She still lights up when her grown man of a grandson walks into the room.

Dorothy is a pleasant, grateful and wholesome force of life. She is also a 96-year-old woman with Alzheimer's disease. My husband retired, in part, to take care of her.

At first it was to drive her to the grocery, doctor and church. Then it was to pay her bills and do her taxes. And finally it was to sleep over at her house and never leave her alone without a sitter.

I remember Dorothy asking me a few years ago when she might have to leave her house. I reassured her we would do everything we could to support her in her home. She would have to leave only when it wasn't safe for her to be there anymore.

I failed to keep my promise to her. Dorothy stayed in her home long after it wasn't safe for her to be there anymore. One night, she arose after midnight and walked out the front door in her nightgown.

We were afraid of all the wrong things about moving her to a memory-support care center. We feared Dorothy would be despondent without her home, her dog and her flowers. We feared she would be anxious if she were in a strange place. We feared she would suffer with loss of privacy.

None of those things came to pass.

Her doctor gently tried to alleviate these needless fears, while alerting us to the things of which we should be afraid. He advised us to arrange the transition while Dorothy still had reasoning to adjust and to make friends. He encouraged us not to sacrifice our marriage and our health to her care. He warned something bad might happen to her if we kept her at home.

Something bad did happen.

Dorothy again arose after midnight and fell try

ing to leave her bedroom. She needed surgery and eight weeks of rehabilitation. Still, we were thinking she could come home. Her grandson was wiser than his parents when he said, "This is bad enough that you have to do something, but not so bad that Nana can't recover."

Finally, Dorothy herself showed us how wrong-headed we were being. At the care center, she joked with the staff and enjoyed the company of her roommate. Her moods and appetite picked up. The closed spaces and routine of the center eased her anxieties. She won twice at bingo. For the first time in years, she could attend a church service. After a few months, she stopped asking when she could come home.

We still feel guilty and more than a little relieved the decision was taken out of our hands. We were not prepared to think clearly about the time of life beyond independence and before the grave. We did what we thought Dorothy wanted us to do. We hung on. This proved not to be the best strategy for any of us.

We are trying not to make the same mistake twice. We let our son know our wishes: "Son, it is unlikely we will live the rest of our lives in our own home. If we do not recognize when it is time, you are to remind us of this conversation. Then you will help us move."

My husband and I are now looking at long-term care insurance and retirement-living facilities with our own futures in mind. If we are lucky, our need for these things will be decades away. If we are unlucky, it could happen at any time.

We are learning late the facts of life. Looking back, the elders I have known who made the move "before they had to" were the happiest. By giving up the things too burdensome to carry in old age, these friends of ours felt freer to live as they wished each day.

These recent experiences have unexpectedly changed the way we think about living in our own home. We are starting to chuck the stuff we keep but don't use from our closets, garage and attic. We fantasize about what it would be like not to hassle appliance repairs, lawn maintenance and meal preparation. We are beginning to accept that it is not just a house that makes us feel at home.

Mary Ruiz, the first Latina to serve as CEO of Manatee Glens, believes that women in leadership is what the world needs now. She can be contacted at mary.ruiz@ manateeglens.org.

This story was originally published February 22, 2015 at 12:00 AM with the headline "Mary Ruiz: Home is more than just a place."