How fathers deal with miscarriage

Q: My wife recently had a miscarriage at 20 weeks into the pregnancy. I am surprised at how much it has affected me.

A: A father’s loss often corresponds to his feelings of failure in the role of provider and protector. Loss of control is particularly difficult for fathers experiencing the death of a child. Some fathers have described initial feelings of guilt and questioning of their own self-worth.

The loss of a child is considered to be a parent’s greatest loss. To be able to share grief with others helps in the healing process.

The need for fathers and mothers to talk about their needs is very important. There are days when the mother will need to lean on the father and vice versa. A mother said to me that she and her husband appreciated so many people trying to comfort them, but as time went on what they really needed was someone to just occasionally cry with them.

A study investigating how fathers deal with the loss of a baby was recently published. They found that the men whose wives had a miscarriage, were surprised at the intensity of their feelings. One father said “we were really surprised that someone we didn’t even know could leave such a big hole in our hearts.”

The fathers who experienced the death of a baby expressed gratitude to the healthcare personnel that were with them at the time of delivery. One father described how grateful he was to the nurse because she took hold of the situation and guided them through the process.

The death of a baby is one of the hardest aspects of a labor and delivery nurses’ job. We have learned from parents what helps them deal with such a tragedy. We place a picture of a teardrop on the mother’s door so that everyone entering the room knows that a loss has occurred. When a baby who has died is born, it is called a still birth. That is because the baby does not cry. We prepare the parents for that most difficult of moments. We also provide parents with a lock of hair, foot prints and pictures of the baby dressed in a baby outfit. We encourage them to hold the baby and grieve openly.

Some of the fathers expressed the sense that God had a plan for the lost baby. They were grateful for their spirituality. One father talked about how he imagined his deceased mother caring for his son in heaven.

All of the fathers said activities such as caring for other children, removing furniture from the home and dealing with family and friends fell upon their shoulders. They found that while expressing their personal grief, they found that having activities to do helped them. They also said they felt a great concern and need to care for and to protect their partners.

Whenever we lose someone that we love it changes how we look at life. We really do not have control over life events. Sometimes we never understand why a baby died. One father commented that he felt an “empty space” in his life. He realized that he couldn’t take things for granted anymore. All life is so precious.

Fathers might not verbalize their grief and anxiety as freely as mothers. But they are suffering and dealing with the death in their own way. It takes time to heal from the death of a child. Sometimes it takes a lifetime.

This story was originally published July 18, 2016 at 5:42 PM with the headline "How fathers deal with miscarriage."