Palmetto pastor offers help to those prone to holiday blues

Cinda Foulkrod, a retired Manatee County hospice chaplain, said last week she is continually is amazed by her husband, The Rev. John Foulkrod of The Palmetto Presbyterian Church, because of his gift for helping people who are grieving.

“John studies grief,” Cinda Foulkrod said last week of her husband of 47 years. “He has a deep understanding and sensitivity to people’s issues.”

But helping people who are grieving at holiday time requires even more wisdom, Cinda Foulkrod said.

“It’s a time of year when feelings are heightened from the colors and music,” she added.

To help Manatee County residents and visitors who feel a month-long melancholy when the season turns to wreaths and lights, The Rev. Foulkrod, 68, has decided this year to share his talents by teaching a seminar called “Surviving the Holidays,” the pastor announced last week.

The one-day, free and open to the public, two-hour seminar will be Saturday at the church.

What about traditions when a loved one is gone?

The Rev. Foulkrod, who was born near Valley Forge, Pa., and went to Kenyon College, calls it “being emotionally blindsided.”

That’s when powerfully strong feelings of sadness hit people seemingly out of nowhere when they hear holiday music and see holidays sights, the pastor said.

“It often happens because they remember the family traditions they had when their loved ones were still with them and are left wondering what they should do now,” said Foulkrod, a veteran of the U.S. Air Force. “They also feel like they are the only ones on the planet feeling these powerful emotions.”

Foulkrod said that people often react to being blindsided by seeking to “numb” themselves with alcohol, shopping, keeping busy or holiday sweets.

“That is a danger of the season,” Foulkrod said. “When you numb yourself all you do is lengthen the time for the healing.”

Instead of seeking to be numb, the pastor will teach on Saturday that it is OK to prepare for the attack.

One way is to plan for the blindside. Perhaps set all family traditions aside for a year or start new traditions, the pastor said.

“Don’t make an obligation to do something that is emotionally excruciating,” the pastor advises. “It’s not going to work. Friends or family are going to know something is off. It’s OK to step away. Listen to your own heart in this process. Be very leery about doing what you are supposed to do. Maybe more than making cookies with a group is quiet, reflective time, just go somewhere and have a good, old, cry.”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply crying over what is lost,” the pastor added. “The one thing you don’t want to do is pretend that nothing has changed when, in fact, something has changed.”

Make a plan for tackling the blues

Foulkrod is keen on neutralizing heavy emotions before they make a direct hit.

“The key aspect of this seminar is to think ahead of time,” Foulkrod said. “I will ask people to consider coming up with a plan which details what they want to do when certain things happen.”

What if a person feeling blue gets an invitation to a holiday party? What if the person hears holiday music? Foulkrod believes people should consider these possibilities before they happen and decide how they will react.

“It might be that you go to the party but you drive yourself so if you get there and realize, ‘Oh, this is more than I can handle,’ you can just leave,” Foulkrod said. “That’s OK. The feeling that my spouse and I did before so I need to carry it on is not one that must be honored.”

Holiday music? Don’t listen or feel free to cry, the pastor said.

“There should be a sense of being kind to yourself and not putting on the expectation, ‘I ought to be able to do this,’” Foulkrod said. “People must allow themselves to be exactly who they are, which is someone who is hurting and in grief.”

The pastor will also suggest the possibility that people who suffer during the holidays can write “a grief letter” to hand to people they meet socially during the season.

“You can hand someone a letter which says, ‘This is what I want to say to you but I may not be able to,’ “ Foulkrod said. “The very process of writing that letter is helpful and there are samples of the letter we can provide.”

Foulkrod will also have answers for how to react at holiday time around people who have the holiday blues.

“In general, you can acknowledge the situation by saying, ‘I’m guessing this is as uncomfortable for you as it is for me. I would like to just enjoy your company but maybe we need to not be together right now, which is OK,’ “ Foulkrod said.

This story was originally published December 5, 2016 at 4:44 PM with the headline "Palmetto pastor offers help to those prone to holiday blues."