Humor Column | Shopping at Publix during a COVID-19 pandemic. Is it really a pleasure?

Things I am learning about the pandemic: At the beginning, in the midst of the giant shortage of toilet paper, I grabbed whatever TP graced the shelf. I was indiscriminate.

During what had become a frequent frantic search, I witnessed a man with TP in his cart and desperately queried, “Where is the toilet paper?”

He gestured down the aisle to a clerk handling a mammoth box, poised in front of empty shelves while passing her last package of toilet paper to the customer in front of me.

“Don’t worry,” she kindly said, trying to calm me down, “I’m coming back.”

I waited with bated breath to grab the precious toilet paper, not caring the brand. The woman next to me said in disgust, “Charmin! I would rather use a leaf than use Charmin.”

I admit I don’t recall anyone preferring to use a leaf to wipe their private parts. Ever. Now that we have tried Charmin, I get her point. Our family has used Cottonelle now for decades, but I would never go as far as to say I would choose a leaf. I guess I am just not a toilet paper connoisseur.

Lesson No. 2. My biggest concern BC (Before Coronavirus ) when I visited the grocery store was locating my car after spending an hour in the store engrossed in the millions of products beckoning me from the shelves. My brain was typically occupied discerning “what do I need?” versus “what looks good?” versus “maybe we should try this?” All these decisions.

Now, however, I must don a mask, remember that the blue part faces outward, then figure out how to loop the mask over my glasses which is not easy. Perhaps my ears don’t stick out enough?

Then I peel on the rubber gloves. And, make sure I’m wearing my “outdoor shoes”. We have decided to distinguish between “indoor shoes” and “outdoor shoes”, which seems a simple concept.

But, I puzzle, is the garage area classified outdoors or indoors? We have cabinets in the garage where I store extra serving dishes, a second fridge, cleaning supplies, gift wrap paper.

I am in and out of the garage almost every day so do I change shoes to enter and exit the garage? The shoe situation is in a state of flux. Awaiting additional data.

So, in addition to wondering if my husband and I might die from this disease there are all these minuscule items of minutia poking their way into our our “golden years.” Hogging the main stage of our lives.

We ask ourselves: Will we die of “stupid,” as Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Leonard Pitts swears he will not.

Will we fall victim to the deadly (and nasty) corona virus for a forgotten handwash? Or, a box of Cheerios that we forget to wipe down? These are the questions I ponder every day in this pandemic that seems from a Dr. Seuss storybook “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” but more deadly?

Lesson No. 3: The existence of folks who are not tuned in to the dangers we encounter every day. Maybe it is ignorance or maybe it is not caring. Hard to tell.

Today’s grocery aisles are currently marked with one-way arrows, which I appreciate. But, what do you do when somebody is cluelessly wandering down the wrong direction of the aisle, coming within two feet of you? This defeats the purpose of the six-feet social distancing.

I recently said to a woman, much older than me (which means really old) “Hey, you’re walking down the wrong way of this aisle.” She stopped and said, “Oh, you’re kidding right?”

I righteously retorted, “No I am not.”

She looked at the stock boy, asked him, if the aisles were truly one way, and replied to me, “Oh, he has a twinkle in his eye, so I think you’re kidding.”

We really might die of “stupid,” I learn.

DISCLAIMER: I always shop at Publix, my VERY favorite store. Has been since 1973.

A retired journalist, JoAnne Klement lives in Bradenton.

This story was originally published April 30, 2020 at 10:36 AM.