A Christmas list for sports figures in Manatee and beyond

Just wanted to alert Santa about some things that are needed before his sleigh takes off. Sorry if we missed anybody, but the list can be cumbersome and here are some important Christmas Wishes we are sending by proxy.

Warning: These gifts are non-refundable and might be hazardous to your health and well being if used improperly. That aside, they are geared to improve the lives of all recipients and in some cases make their standing in their respective community a better one.

JOE KINNAN -- An FHSAA investigation into St. Thomas Aquinas focusing on how all those players wind up at the doorsteps of the Broward County school their senior year mysteriously filling in the voids on its roster. It wouldn’t hurt to look into how all those tuitions are paid.

PAUL MAECHTLE -- A running back for next year so Brian Poole can concentrate on defense; about 20 solid pounds of muscle added to Courtney Allen’s frame would make this gift an easy one.

JEAN P. GORDON -- A victory over a Manatee County football team so his three-year, 14-game losing streak against county foes can finally come to an end.

SHAWN TRENT -- A pamphlet that lists every reporter’s phone number so he won’t have any more excuses for not returning their calls. In lieu of that, a healthy quarterback.

DAVE MARINO -- A fountain of youth to bring all those great Lincoln School players back and have them suit up for Tigers next game against Manatee or Southeast.

SOUTHEAST FOOTBALL TEAM -- A “do-over” from its game with Manatee.

REGGIE LINDSEY -- A chance to run that play over where he broke his wrist and lost nearly his entire senior season.

EDDIE SHANNON -- A search party to find all those people who said they were going to work to get this local legend into the FHSAA Hall of Fame where he belongs.

TAMPA BAY RAYS -- The reincarnation of Jesse James, John Dillinger and Pretty Boy Floyd so they can trek across the country robbing banks and give the booty to the Rays, enabling them to put an end to the fire sale currently underway.

TAMPA BAY BUCS -- A second straight charitable schedule so we can perpetuate the myth that the Bucs have become a playoff team and the coaching staff is full of geniuses.

ROGER GOODELL -- A pair of glasses, math book and medical dictionary; so he can add up the number of injuries that will increase in an 18-game season and see all the front line players standing on the sidelines during the pre-season games he claims they are playing in.

GENO AURIEMMA -- A crying towel to wipe the tears away from his complaints that his UConn women’s team doesn’t get enough respect. A book on John Wooden, so Auriemma can learn about social etiquette.

MIKE SHANAHAN -- A tuition paid course to the closest charm school so he can begin that conversation with Donovan McNabb all over again.

THE BCS SYSTEM -- A national boycott of all bowl games, which is the only way the public can win its fight for a college football playoff system.

BUD SELIG -- A video camera so he can at least take a look at what an instant replay looks like.

FOR UCF ATHLETICS -- Achievement Award of The Year in Florida to its athletics program that moved into the top 25 polls in both football and men’s basketball this season and is ahead of Florida, Miami and USF in the BCS rankings.

JOHN HARDER -- The lifetime John Wooden achievement award for putting girls basketball around these parts on the map and bringing hope to the local community every winter.

Alan Dell, sports reporter, can be reached at 745-7080, ext. 2112.