Televised headline from Fox News Network: President’s inaugural speech puts nation at ease. Dateline: Jan. 12, 2037 – Washington, D.C.
In the face of heavy security, the Inauguration of President David J. Tweet went off as scheduled today. Standing inside the same specially designed reinforced, bullet-and-grenade proof booth that had been used by his father and brothers before him, well barricaded from the rumors of angry, poverty ridden mobs who had mistakenly blamed his government for their own inability to lift themselves by their own bootstraps, the new president’s words were clearly audible beneath the steady hum of the attack helicopters that hovered overhead, as he placed his hand firmly on his family’s Bible and repeated those famous words spoken to him by the National Bishop, “I do solemnly swear …”
It was a misty moment for many, particularly those able to recall the days of a Supreme Court, when the Chief Justice last performed that high honor, in 2017. All agreed things were better now, more spiritual, more secure.
This reporter cannot tell you what a thrill it was to see the Rev. Dr. Gordon “Pat” Riverton III, in his recently installed capacity as National Bishop, looking resplendent in his magnificent flowing black robes and silver-grey hair. What a stalwart fellow he was as he looked out upon the cheering crowd before giving the oath, a distant gaze in his eye. What did he see, one wondered? Was it shadows of his great-grandfather Absalom Riverton, who had served in the Senate for so long and worked so hard in his failed fight to prevent the integration of the schools of Virginia, or was it his grandfather and father, Pat the Ist and IInd, who together finally prevailed during the Religious Rights era of the 2020s? Was he remembering how difficult it had been to whip the public into a proper frenzy of fear and hysteria that, for their own good, garnered a majority vote for the National Religious Security Act by rightly questioning the patriotism of all who might speak against the Supreme Court’s 2019 decision, the one that brought the right kind of religion back into the schools; the Act that led to the national referendum for a Constitutional Amendment that, in one fell swoop, established a National Church, gave its governing board veto power over the Supreme Court, gave that same board supervisory authority over all the other religious institutions within the confines of the country, outlawed homosexuality, eliminated all those certain women’s rights outside the home, and expressly forbade all but the King James Version of the Bible? Or was he recalling how, in what now seemed like just a few short years, the National Board had, on further examination of the preface to the King James text, determined that, since that preface spoke against the Papacy, Catholicism was, by inference, officially illegal; and that if Catholicism could no longer be practiced, certainly Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hindi, Shinto, and every religion other than a specified form of Protestantism must no longer be legally welcome within our borders?
He had said it; yes, the then-merely Rev. Dr. had been the one, long before he was National Bishop, to proclaim (though not without the urging of the Rev. Dr.’s Swaggart and Bakker — credit where credit is due) that, in addition to the cleaning up of America as a community of faith, allowing only one religion was “not an exercise in intolerance. It will merely make us more secure — something every truly patriotic American wants and believes in with all their heart and soul!”
What a great mandatory Sunday worship service that was! Particularly since it was the same Sunday during which it was announced by then-President David J. Twist, Jr., that, while every American was “free to follow their own religious conscience within the privacy of their homes, I recognize there are still some Methodists, Congregationalists and Presbyterians out there, and I don’t condone anyone taking any action against them, so long as they don’t cross the line,” following which he decreed that only those who had passed the National Security Test, been welcomed into the membership of the National Church, and could verify their 10 percent tithes to the National Board would henceforth be eligible to vote, hold office, stay out of the otherwise-mandatory voluntary military service, or drive a car.
Whatever he was thinking — or perhaps praying — there he was, our National Bishop, giving the oath of office to the next President Tweet — the fourth time a Tweet had taken the oath in the 21st Century, and the third consecutive time a Tweet had been appointed to the Presidency, elections having been done away with, as most of you will recall, in 2020, when it was determined that the only way to keep America safe was to dispose of them and proceed, instead, with a line of succession that included choosing a First Family that could be trusted and allowing them to internally pick their successor every four years. It made things more predictable — and told those cold-blooded terrorist killers that it didn’t matter who their next target was: America was going to survive, and thrive, during which the Presidential throne would not be shaken. It was a good thing, fostering and preserving democracy by getting those less preferable pesky Constitutional rights out of the way. But I digress.
With the Oath out of the way, and everyone in attendance in a hurry to get out of the bitter cold and back, with the help of their bodyguards, to their gated communities and tonight’s celebratory season-ending broadcast of Survivor — where only one person will, at the end of the show, be allowed to live — our newest President stepped forth to speak.
“My fellow Americans,” the “Tweet,” as he has affectionately become known, declared to all who were allowed to hear, “welcome to our inauguration. Let me start by telling you some good news: the war with Canada is going well, and our troops have today secured the Artic oil reserves. We will no longer have to compete with China for the Indonesian fields, now that the wells in the Middle East have run dry. And our borders are more secure than ever, now that we’ve completed the installation of personal ID chips in every papered-citizen’s brain, allowing us to use our Global Positioning System to target every un-chipped movement by anyone in our country. Remember, those of you who don’t have proper identification: our National Security Forces are authorized to kill you on sight, so please watch your pets. For all that, I thank you, just as we should all now thank our God for keeping us so safe during these trying post-9/11 times — speaking of which, would you please join me in our National Prayer …”
What a great day it was. What a great, more safe, more secure, more spiritual day. It made this reporter proud.