I had a dream.
Lovie Smith is resting on Dr. Sigmund Freud's couch as the famed psychiatrist tries to make the Buccaneers' head coach whole again.
Dr. Freud: You look disappointed, like a kid who woke up Christmas morning and found all the presents gone.
Lovie: We had it right in our hands, and then that fellow Drew Brees took it all away.
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Dr. Freud: But he wasn't the only one who stole from you.
Lovie: No, where do we start?
Dr. Freud: How about that receiving corps? It looks like it hijacked itself with drops and penalties.
Lovie: Tell me about it. That Mike Evans, he whines when he catches a pass, whines when he drops one, whines when he gets called for pass interference or his defender doesn't. I wish he would stop. I keep hearing his voice every night. It's so hard to sleep.
Dr. Freud: Haven't you talked to him about it?
Lovie: I can't. Receivers are divas. They don't handle criticism well. They need to be pampered. But I tell you, Doc, I can't take that whining. Grow up, kid. The world doesn't revolve around you.
Dr. Freud: You always say nice things about him to the media.
Lovie: Have to. Simple as that.
Dr. Freud: So you are lying?
Lovie: I cross my fingers, so it doesn't count as a lie.
Dr. Freud: Have you thought about taking him to a hand specialist? His hands seem to turn into jelly when he is ready to catch the ball. That can affect his brain.
Lovie: We've tried everything, hand specialist, psychologist. We even took him to an anger management counselor, but he got mad and walked out.
Dr. Freud: You have Doug Martin. He was running great against the Saints, but you barely used him. Do you have something against short guys?
Lovie: Oh no. Two of my best friends are Darren Sproles and Maurice Jones-Drew. Nadia Comaneci is like a daughter to me. I don't know what happened. It was a bad game for me and Dirk. Our play calling license should be suspended for a game.
Dr. Freud: Conspiracy theorists say you want to keep his numbers down so you won't have pay so much to
Lovie: Humbug. If they only know how much I suffered during last year's 2-14 season. You think I want a LeSean McCoy in our locker room? Simple as that.
Dr. Freud: So you deny that?
Lovie: Simple as that.
Dr. Freud: With so many of your receivers injured, how do you maintain a receiving corps?
Lovie: We get them off the streets and from flag football leagues. I don't know most of their names. But that guy Dye, he dropped a wide open pass that could've changed the game around. I want to forgive him, but it will take some time.
Dr. Freud: Forgiveness is a healthy act.
Lovie: Not coming off a 2-14 season. Simple as that.
Dr. Freud: So are you going to cut him?
Lovie: No, he doesn't whine. He is an undrafted guy, can't expect much anyway. You just hope they can keep the dam from bursting. I wish everyone was like Cameron Brate.
Dr. Freud: How is your secondary holding up?
Lovie: Had to bring that up, didn't you? Yeah, that's been a nightmare. We have this guy, I think they call him "Hey Jude." He did good for a while, but Hasselbeck exposed him and then Brees carved him up.
Dr. Freud: So that's a priority for the offseason? Fix that leaky secondary?
Lovie: We'll be talking to Joe the Plumber.
Dr. Freud: Will you do it through free agency?
Lovie: Not allowed to. Owners told us we aren't doing that anymore. We wasted their money on that and now they don't trust us.
Dr. Freud: How does that make you feel?
Lovie: When my kids waste money, I cut them off. I am not going to whine. There are some of my former Chicago players I can get on the cheap.
Dr. Freud: But isn't that what you did this year?
Lovie: Yeah, but those guys that can play my type of defense, they are bargain basement players and don't whine.
Dr. Freud: Did you cry a lot when you were a kid?
Lovie: No, I cried the most last season when I put that product on the field. But I did it alone at night. Not even my wife knew.
Dr. Freud: It's good to cry. It's a good way to relieve tension and re-energize yourself.
Lovie: Not when you cry a river every night. But I am better this year. We could finish 8-8, maybe 9-7. That dries up the tears.
Dr. Freud: That would make you feel good?
Lovie: That and if our receiver stops whining. I bought him a box of yellow flags he can stick in his uniform and throw them during a game day when he thinks he was interfered with. Maybe that will cheer him up. He is infatuated with yellow flags.
Dr. Freud: Well, time's up. See you again soon.
Lovie: By the way, who is paying for this? I hear you're pretty expensive.
Dr. Freud: Don't worry, the Glazer family is taking care of it. They want you to be happy.
Lovie: That's good to know.
Dr. Freud: Yeah, and they are hoping that crazy guy stops banging on the door at night trying get back into One Buc Place. I think his name is Greg. He's always wearing a Rutgers sweater.