The Democrats are gathering here in the City of Brotherly and Sisterly and Nonspecific-Genderly Love, and their mood is cautiously optimistic as they prepare to roll out Hillary Clinton and her inspirational new campaign slogan: “Still Not Indicted!”
This slogan represents a subtle effort to counteract the unfortunate image of Clinton as dishonest and untrustworthy, which is the result of the many phony allegations concerning so-called “scandals” cooked up by right-wing anti-Clinton extremist groups such as the so-called “Federal Bureau of Investigation.”
The most recent, of course, involves Clinton’s allegedly careless handling, while she was secretary of state, of allegedly official emails that might have allegedly contained material that allegedly might have been classified, allegedly. This drives Clinton supporters CRAZY, because she has completely refuted this allegation via the following arguments:
1. It never happened.
Never miss a local story.
2. If it did happen, it was YEARS ago.
3. Many other respected American leaders such as Abraham Lincoln did exactly the same thing!
4. There is no documentary proof that Hillary Clinton was ever secretary of state.
5. DONALD TRUMP BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!
This last argument will be the primary message of the Democratic convention, which is scheduled to run for four days and feature an estimated 53,000 speakers, all speaking on the official convention theme: “United in Unity, As One, Together, Undivided.”
The Democrats desperately want their convention to be unified, defined as “boring.” They want to contrast themselves with the Republicans, whose convention was marred by glitches and conflict, culminating on Wednesday night during the prime-time speech by Ted Cruz, who — in what political observers viewed as a deliberate slight — threw a shoe from the podium at the Trump family reserved seating area. Fortunately the shoe bounced harmlessly off the head of a Trump family bodyguard, but the ricochet came alarmingly close to one of the estimated 40 Trump family women, described by witnesses as “the blond one.” (Interestingly, Trump made no mention of this incident in his acceptance speech, which according to witnesses is still going on.)
But getting back to the Democrats: The big news is that Clinton has chosen as her running mate a person named “Tim Kaine,” who is reportedly a governor or a senator from a state. He is not widely known, as evidenced by the fact that, in introducing him, Clinton declared that “everybody loved him as the hilarious character Mr. Tudball on the ‘Carol Burnett Show.’ No, wait, that’s Tim Conway.”
Speaking of entertainment: They are expecting street protests here, because apparently the protesters in Cleveland, despite walking around shouting semi-coherent slogans for literally hours, somehow failed to put an end to racism, sexism, fascism or capitalism. Tragically, as far as I can determine, none of the protests here will involve naked women. But there will be one involving flatulence. I swear I am not making this up. According to news reports, supporters of Bernie Sanders are planning to stage an anti-Clinton “fart-in.” Here’s the plan:
1. On the night of Clinton’s acceptance speech, disgruntled Sanders delegates are going to consume a mess of beans.
2. These delegates will then enter the convention hall, where their digestive systems will convert the beans to gases via a chemical process technically known as “gruntlement.”
3. The delegates — exercising their right, guaranteed by the First Amendment, to freedom of emission — will release these gases into the convention atmosphere, whereupon…
4. They will be bludgeoned unconscious by pro-Clinton delegates wielding UNITY signs.
At least that’s the scenario I’m rooting for.
And that’s not the only excitement we’re expecting here. Pro-marijuana activists are planning to hold a “Jaywalk” — a march in which they will carry a 51-foot-long replica of a joint. Also Snoop Dogg is scheduled to appear at a “Unity Party,” where he will perform a series of original “rap” songs composed by Melania Trump.
Speaking of unity, we have received this late-breaking:
NEWS BULLETIN – Following a scandal involving damaging leaked emails from Democratic National Committee staffers, party officials have announced that DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz will not speak at the convention, because, quote, “there is no such person as Debbie Wasserman Schultz.”
Over the next few days I will be following these stories and reporting my findings to you, if I find any. Otherwise I’ll just be spewing the usual random gibberish. In closing, booga booga booga.