Hurricane season is here and five days in, so far so good.
No Arlene in sight.
May we never meet.
Ditto for Bret and Cindy.
Never miss a local story.
Don, Emily, Franklin and Gert, too.
That goes a hundredfold for my namesake, Vince.
We can definitely do without a hurricane season that reaches 21 named storms.
Or even half that.
So, thanks to readers with a kindred sense of dark humor, here are some tropical-related laughs for your reading pleasure while we keep an eye on the horizon through Nov. 30.
You might be a Floridian if:
n The nickname of your favorite weatherman, Bob Harrigan, is “Hurricane.”
n You catch a 7-pound catfish -- in your driveway.
n Your washing machine makes a handy cooler.
n You’ve found that coffee and frozen pizza can be made just fine on your ol’ barbecue grill.
n A convoy of FPL trucks looks like John Wayne leading the cavalry to the rescue in one of those John Ford classics.
n You’re on a first-name basis with the cashiers at Home Depot and Lowe’s.
n You’ve discovered the family’s SUV is a pretty good makeshift tent.
n You have a couple of rolls of tar paper in the garage.
n Or a 10-gallon bucket of roofing tar.
n Gas at $4.50 a gallon doesn’t seem like the rip-off it did three months before.
n Having nothing in the refrigerator is an advantage.
n Telemarketers carry on no matter what tropical storm is on the way.
n When you go house hunting, you look for closets with lots of leg room.
n The same applies if you’re trying to sell.
n Candlelight is better than Botox, because it takes years off your appearance.
n The monthly electric bill is 40 percent higher despite the fact your house was without power for a week.
n Folks will get in line without any idea what the line is for.
n Week-old potato chips are a comfort food.
n Someone in your neighborhood who lives six blocks away tells you they found your roof.
n You actually understand what “millibar” means and its relevance.
n Your street has a “NO WAKE” sign.
n Last month you couldn’t hang a shower curtain, but now you are able to assemble a portable generator by flashlight.
n Radio is the best way to watch TV.
n You know the Weather Channel’s crew of meteorologists by their first names.
n Hurricane force winds may blow everything else to kingdom come, but election campaign signs won’t budge.
n Your children can actually survive a week without a video game remote in their possession.
n The need for your dog to go out and do its business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.
n It is perfectly OK to sit on your back porch eating takeout in your undies.
Mannix About Manatee, by columnist Vin Mannix, is about people and issues in Manatee County. Please call Vin Mannix at 745-7055, write him at Bradenton Herald, P.O. Box 921, Bradenton, FL. 34206 or e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include a phone number for verification purposes.