A satirical look at Bradenton community's shuffleboard controversy

March 8, 2014 

Many thanks to Chris and Rick Stephens, owners of the Heather Hills' shuffleboard court, for saving the entire community from the onslaught of 30 dangerous and heavily armed senior citizens.

These hooligans were armed to the teeth with shuffleboard tangs and we need to thank the ever vigilant Stephens' for their efforts in keeping Bradenton safe from this sort of anarchy.

Imagine, for almost 35 years Bradenton's Heather Hills Estates has hosted the "Shufflelettes" annual year-end tournament, featuring about 30 women shuffleboard players from five sister mobile home parks in Manatee County.

But this year, Chris and Rick said "enough is enough." We must put an end to this rank disregard for law and order.

So they did what any law-abiding citizen would do: They called the Manatee County Sheriff's Office to dispatch these terrorists. Four deputies and a lieutenant arrived.

One rough character from Fairlane Acres was so upset she began to tremble when the deputies arrived and escorted her into the office to officially register as a guest.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I certainly feel safer knowing that these 30 senior citizens will not be allowed to roam my neighborhood armed with shuffleboard tangs! Way to go, Chris and Rick!!

Louis Szuch


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