Commentary | Delusion starting to drive the thinking over at One Buc Place

Losing doesn't seem to affect Glazers, so $16M man is last hope to dispatch Schiano, Dominik

adell@bradenton.comOctober 16, 2013 

— I have a dream.

Fans are storming the fortress at One Buc Place urging the team to banish head coach Greg Schiano.

The Glazer family, which has royal authority over the Bucs, shows no inclination to grant their wish.

Shaun King is leading the charge, but right behind is a guy who might be able to run the maniacal tyrant out of town.

Darrelle Revis, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' $16 million man, tells the Glazers it's him or me.

Here is how that conversation goes (I'm not sure how many Glazers there are, so we can call them Moe, Larry and Curly.):

Open the gates!

MOE: Who is there?

REVIS: It's me, Darrelle.

LARRY: Don't recognize the name.

REVIS: I am the guy you pay $16 million to play cornerback.

CURLY: Why didn't you say so? We only know our players by their pay stubs.

REVIS: We need to do something about Coach. The players don't want him and fans hate him.

MOE: We are not going to pay someone to sit home, and if we fired him we would look pretty dumb for hiring him.

REVIS: You already look dumb.

LARRY: We could blame it on our GM Mark Dominik and say it was his decision to hire Schiano.

REVIS: You need to get rid of both. The GM spent a lot of your money on free agents, but he doesn't know how to build a team with support players like the New England Patriots do. He let go of Michael Bennett, who wasn't asking for much money. He embraced Eric Wright, which was like swallowing a cup of poison.

CURLY: They are already calling us either dumb or cheap for hiring Raheem and then Schiano.

REVIS: I came here to win, and so did Dashon and Vincent. I am worried our coach is delusional.

MOE: Oh, because he tells the players to believe in him. Yeah, I didn't get that either.

REVIS: All the stuff he is saying like he has a history of winning. He was one game over .500 at Rutgers and 20 games below .500 vs. the Big East. He was 0-11 against West Virginia and outscored by 217 points. He was 5-5 against Connecticut, which didn't become a full-fledged I-A program until 2002.

LARRY: You made your point. But if we let Schiano and Mark go we would have to pay two people who don't work for us.

CURLY: We have that soccer team in England to consider.

REVIS: We can't win with Schiano.

MOE: Be patient. He is

just 0-5 and has lost only 10 of his last 11 games, and his offense has not scored a second-half touchdown all season. Things are bound to get better.

REVIS: He has been accused of leaking the medical information on Josh Freeman and no one in the locker-room trusts him.

LARRY: But we are paying Josh more than $6 million to not play for us. It's ruined our family dinners. Everyone is upset over that.

REVIS: If it turns out Schiano was the leak, you might be able to void his contract.

CURLY: Now you are talking. Why do you think we agreed to go along with an NFL investigation?

MOE: You think we have problems here. That United Manchester Fans Group that wants us to get rid of our soccer team has 200,000 members. Can you give us 200,000 reasons to fire Schiano? I can think of $10 million reasons not to.

REVIS: But all these lies are killing your franchise. Schiano said yesterday he knows how to win, but we can't find any evidence. You need people like Jon Gruden or Bruce Allen.

LARRY: They yelled at us, and we didn't like that.

REVIS: So that's why you hired Raheem and then Greg and kept Dominik?

CURLY: We knew they would be so grateful to have those jobs they would never yell at us.

REVIS: I am afraid our coach can't recognize reality. He called Mike Glennon Peyton the other day and Tom on Monday. When Eric Wright was here, he called him Deion.

MOE: We have to worry about the MRSA, and our coach is suffering from foot-in-mouth disease. You can only deal with so much.

REVIS: He said the other day the offense hasn't scored a second-half touchdown because of turnovers; that's not true. Our coach thinks the red zone means "Danger: Keep out."

LARRY: I saw him call Doug Martin Ray Rice and ask him how he did on his psychology test. Yeah, it frightened me.

REVIS: I saw him talking in the mirror. He mumbled about finding a duplicate key to the icebox where the strawberries were. He laughed and said "I've got them." It was scary; I ran away.

CURLY: He could be sent to the Vince Lombardi rehab facility for dysfunctional coaches. Our insurance would cover his contract then.

REVIS: But this isn't what I came for.

MOE: Well, there is nothing holding you here next season, and it would save us $16 million if you left. We could use the extra money to hire a new coach and GM and still pay Schiano and Dominik.

REVIS: So you want me to leave?

LARRY: It might not be a bad idea. We do have that team in England to think about. Those rabble rousers over there scare us a lot more than what's happening here.

Alan Dell, Herald sports writer, can be reached at 941-745-7056. Follow him on Twitter at @ADellSports.

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