Valentine for a heavy heart

MANATEE

“How do I go into this day of hearts without you?”

Laurel Rund posed that question in a poem anticipating her first true Valentine’s Day since the death of her husband, Marty.

She didn’t expect an answer.

It was more a self-assessment.

Where does she stand one year after losing her partner of nearly 42 years?

Like most couples, the Runds were passionate about celebrating Valentine’s Day.

“We were sweethearts,” said Rund, a 64-year-old artist and writer who still lives in the Tara Preserve home she shared with her husband.

“Marty loved cards. He would always shop for the most special, most schmaltzy, most romantic card he could find. I would find the same kind or make one.”

Marty passed away Feb. 11, 2009, from complications of celiac disease. Laurel said her loss was too immediate to allow her to notice Valentine’s Day last year.

But memories of their life together and grief over their separation have revisited her this week as several big events approach.

The first anniversary of his death is Thursday.

Valentine’s Day is Sunday.

Their 43rd anniversary would have been Feb. 19.

His 68th birthday would have been Feb. 26.

“It’s bittersweet,” Rund said. “I feel like he’s around me all the time. ... I know that Marty’s always in my heart. He can’t send me a card, and he can’t send me flowers, but I know he’s sending me love.”

Rund is far from alone in facing that empty feeling as Valentine’s Day approaches.

As the rest of the world exchanges gifts and passes syrupy messages on everything from jewelry to candy hearts to frilly cards, widows and widowers wonder the same thing Rund asked her husband.

How do they get through a holiday made for lovers?

Author Joni James Aldrich said grief counseling often focuses on helping the bereaved get through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays and neglects Valentine’s Day.

Aldrich, who wrote “The Losing of Gordon: A Beacon Through the Storm Called ‘Grief,’ ” lost her husband, Gordon, after a two-year battle with cancer on May 13, 2006.

Valentine’s Day was special for the Aldriches throughout their marriage. Soon after their first date, Gordon left a bouquet of pink carnations on Joni’s front porch on Valentine’s Day.

“It’s true that Valentine’s Day holds significance for most couples, but it was particularly special for Gordon and me,” Aldrich said. “It became a yearly ritual for us to use Valentine’s Day as the anniversary of our first date together.”

Aldrich offers the following ideas for making the holiday easier to navigate for those who have lost a spouse:

n Prepare in advance. “Ignoring Feb. 14 will only work until you see displays of Valentine’s cards in the store, or see the florist busily making the rounds.”

n Know what to avoid. “Stay away from restaurants. The empty place across the table will cast a pall on any pleasant feelings you’ve managed to work up. ... Order take-out or cook at home, but don’t fix that special dinner you used to make with the person you loved.”